Happy VD DAY!

Well I guess its officially Valentines Day, Three bottles of Wine later, and I'm still up, it's 5:00 am and I come to realize, I'm not ready for any Relationship nor do I feel I need to be validated by someone else! No, I will wait it out, For I wan't to believe that Joe is still around me, and he'll come back for me Eventually, thats all I need to know or feel right now. So Joe, I'm waiting, I love you with all my Heart, Body and soul, thats the same Words you would say in every Letter you'd leave me, even if it was to tell me your running to the Store or some shit. Anyways, bad evening, Breakdown, Cry, now its off to Bed, to do it all over again tomorrow...Peace out...

Dealing?

Hi my names Rick, and I'm new to this blogging thing. I having a difficult time in my Life right and someone suggested I should just write it down, what I'm feeling, my Emotions, etc etc etc...So here goes....I'm a 40 Year old Gay man who Lost his Partner of Several Years this past Dec 28th 2010. His name Was/Is Joe and he died from a sudden Heart Attack, No warning, No signs. Everyday for me is a Bigger Struggle than the Day Before. I miss him so much and my Heart feels like it's been ripped apart. Some Days I think I can get through this or I'm doing "Better" but then suddenly, it all hits me again and I'm back to square one. I go through the Emotions, I'm Sad one Minute then Pissed off the Next, I feel at times I'm having a "Sybil" Moment, thats a Movie that starred Sally Field back in the 70's in case you didn't know. I've let Joes passing consume my Life, I've even attepted Suicide Twice, I guess I didn't do it right otherwise I wouldn't be here Writting all this down. I've even began to "Act Out" meaning trying everything and anything to just go Numb. My Drinking has increased while my Eating has Decreased, I can say something for the "Grieving Diet" it really works, Jeans that I couldn't barely get into say several months ago, now fit me but are getting a bit Big, I try to go out, you know Clubs and Such, and suddenly every Gay Man is in a Partnered Relationship, I'm like WTF!!! When did this happen, Not that I'm trying to "Replace" Joe, no, noone could ever do that, but I'm lonely and yes, even having a "one night stand" with some stranger who couldn't give a Shit about me sounds to me better than spending another Night Alone. I almost pray to meet the Wrong person and maybe just maybe they will put me out of my Misery. Trust me, I've yet to meet anyone. I even post on Gay Personals sites including Pictures of me Au Natural and then hate myself when I do get a reply, usually for Sex, but hey, if your gonna put stuff like that out there it begs to reason, that is the kind of response you'll get. But I don't meet anyone, its like my Brain and my Heart are at War right now and my Penis is a Casualty. Anyways, this is where I'm at in my Life, to sum it up in a Nut Shell...This is just alittle back story getting anyone who wants to read this alittle Idea of who I am. From here I guess its just Day by Endless Day...