Dealing?

Hi my names Rick, and I'm new to this blogging thing. I having a difficult time in my Life right and someone suggested I should just write it down, what I'm feeling, my Emotions, etc etc etc...So here goes....I'm a 40 Year old Gay man who Lost his Partner of Several Years this past Dec 28th 2010. His name Was/Is Joe and he died from a sudden Heart Attack, No warning, No signs. Everyday for me is a Bigger Struggle than the Day Before. I miss him so much and my Heart feels like it's been ripped apart. Some Days I think I can get through this or I'm doing "Better" but then suddenly, it all hits me again and I'm back to square one. I go through the Emotions, I'm Sad one Minute then Pissed off the Next, I feel at times I'm having a "Sybil" Moment, thats a Movie that starred Sally Field back in the 70's in case you didn't know. I've let Joes passing consume my Life, I've even attepted Suicide Twice, I guess I didn't do it right otherwise I wouldn't be here Writting all this down. I've even began to "Act Out" meaning trying everything and anything to just go Numb. My Drinking has increased while my Eating has Decreased, I can say something for the "Grieving Diet" it really works, Jeans that I couldn't barely get into say several months ago, now fit me but are getting a bit Big, I try to go out, you know Clubs and Such, and suddenly every Gay Man is in a Partnered Relationship, I'm like WTF!!! When did this happen, Not that I'm trying to "Replace" Joe, no, noone could ever do that, but I'm lonely and yes, even having a "one night stand" with some stranger who couldn't give a Shit about me sounds to me better than spending another Night Alone. I almost pray to meet the Wrong person and maybe just maybe they will put me out of my Misery. Trust me, I've yet to meet anyone. I even post on Gay Personals sites including Pictures of me Au Natural and then hate myself when I do get a reply, usually for Sex, but hey, if your gonna put stuff like that out there it begs to reason, that is the kind of response you'll get. But I don't meet anyone, its like my Brain and my Heart are at War right now and my Penis is a Casualty. Anyways, this is where I'm at in my Life, to sum it up in a Nut Shell...This is just alittle back story getting anyone who wants to read this alittle Idea of who I am. From here I guess its just Day by Endless Day...